April 26, 2016

On assorted things

Guess who came for a brief visit Saturday? Caleb, Claudia and Haylie!  We had such fun holding Haylie, watching her roll over and listening to her coo and talk.  It was great. 

And of course we had to snap a few pictures.  Dad was missing from these because he had already left to go get ready for a wedding ceremony he was in charge of that afternoon. 

Earlier this month, Phoebe and I became co-owners of our first car!  A really nice, well maintained Chevy Cavalier.  The Lord really blessed us during the whole process.   

These were the actual miles when the car became ours.  Since then we have put about 1500 miles or so on it, but it is going strong and we hope it will for a good long while. 

As a late birthday present from Joel and Christine, the three of us got to see / hear Mumford and Sons live in concert in Dallas!  What an epic night of music played by one of my favorite bands, and of course getting to hang out with Joel and Christine was wonderful!  We had a banging time, and the weather was perfect.  They are one of a few bands who sound (dare I say it), better live.  

I have recently moved things around in my room, adding some new elements, and rearranging others. 'My space' is almost perfect.  I added an open closet, so as to have my everyday clothing at hand, and to free up space in the shared closet in my old room.  That is one thing I dislike about this house.  For its size, the storage spaces are inadequate.  

The end of March, my sisters and I got to go worship with All Sons & Daughters (our favorite worship duo), up in Ada along with some friends.  What a powerful night as God moved, healed, spoke, as His presence was felt in a near way.  

Easter weekend was great!  We spent the day in Dallas with Joel and Christine, and her family.  We also were able to visit with Grandma, and a couple of our cousins.  The second half of the day was spent chilling at Christine's house, with her and her family.  She got out her hair straightener, and worked her magic on us girls hair.  I LOVE how mine turned out, and now I am hoping to buy a straightener soon.  It was a wonderful day in every respect.  From the delicious brunch we shared with Christine's family - all of it was great. 

A wise man once wrote: "What is written in these pages I suppose will someday be read by others than myself.  For this reason I cannot hope to be absolutely honest in what is herein recorded, for the hypocrisy of this shamming heart will ever be putting on a front and dares not to have written what is actually found in its abysmal depths." 

So much of my own journaling over the last decade has been the mere recording of daily events and activities, more of a log book than anything else.  But in recent years, a more visceral expression has dominated my writings, something almost borne of fury.  I don't know if I will ever share these most personal thoughts, but they are an account of my relationships, my faith, my dreams; they are sometimes shallow, often petty recollections of the passing of time.  I write to release pain, fear, and disappointment, but also to express love, happiness, and bliss.  They are an anguished mixture of blessing and cursing, a kind of paradox as I think any honest (or halfway honest) person's journals must be - the truest expressions of the heart.  

I will leave you with this thought to ponder.  

April 23, 2016

On giving up and letting go

"We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place, we stay there, even though we go away. And there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there." Pascal Mercier

"That quote is so touching, so relevant, because over the weekend, while we girls were in a strangers home, we had a long and serious conversation about our involvement in / with Equipt. We had all come, independently, to the decision that now is the time to close the door on this chapter of our lives. I think this is God's way of saying "stitch!" as He finishes the process of healing my heart, so I can go on to what is next for me."  That is what I wrote in my journal the day following our discussion with Adrean and Jessie about our decision to conclude our time with Equipt Youth ministry. 

It was with a mixture of sadness and expectation that I shared a small part of the journey towards this decision with the group Wednesday night.  It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, and I think my sisters would say the same thing.  We spent months agonizing, evaluating and analyzing what God was trying to teach us and tell us through this whole ordeal.  Even though no time would be a good time to walk away from something into which I have poured my soul and passion, because goodbye's are hard, and hurt people, this was the time.  

So I walk away, we walk away, not because we are angry or bitter over the whole situation, but because God has called us away, to other things.  And yes, it is hard and it hurts, but to stay would be disobedience and I don't want to fly in God's face just because it is uncomfortable or sad.  I lay awake the Wednesday night we shared our news with Adrean and Jessie, questioning if I had made the right decision, feeling all of the heart wrenching, gut punching sadness from last fall when I was so angry at God for what had happened to change our situation.  In the end though, I have an incredible reassuring peace which reminds me that I have made the correct decision, and nothing Satan tries to throw in my path will deter me from obeying God, now or ever.  

I am so grateful for all of what I have been able to experience with Equipt the last 16 months. God has shown me some incredible things, He has ministered to me through Adrean and Jessie, and the youth. I love each of you and my life has been made fuller, richer because our paths have crossed.

I look forward to the future, and as the saying goes "the best is yet to come!"