May 6, 2015

On friendships and feeling left behind

It's a funny thing how you can find out something so important about someone, whom you thought you knew so well, in a 5 minute conversation. After a recent event, that was how it felt.  I just realized how few real friends I have left in Texas.  It just makes me sad, because I think I had tried to keep that door open, but the more I pushed on our side, the more they tried to close the door.  Now, that part of my life is over.  I can never go back to how it used to be. 

Even as I write this, I feel alienated from so many people who are "in" my life.  Even new friends seem distant, and old friends, almost forgotten in some strange way.  Why do I have to constantly be the one reaching out?  What would happen if I stopped calling, texting, emailing, visiting, writing? Would they even notice? 

Phoebe and I joked recently at how "swag-less" we are, according to certain old friends... but it really hurt to be treated that way. 

I sometimes wish I was more of an introvert - that I didn't need to have friends, but I do.  Friendships have always been important to me, and I am a fiercely loyal friend.  

I know that some of the friendship difficulties I am having is because I moved away and so that makes me the outsider.  But I thought that the thing about friendships was that even if one party moved away, or began a new adventure in life, the other party would stick around, no matter.  

Apparently I was wrong.  

Some of this questioning comes from a deep loneliness I have experienced since our move from McKinney to Dallas.  I had just begun to cultivate several important relationships when we moved, and those were disrupted by my change of address.  Of course there were the promises to "stay in touch" and "visit often" promises I now wish I had not made, because they only came to be empty places where I could store my anger and confusion. 

It hurts a LOT to not be missed.  Not because I am a proud person, but I am a person who wants to be needed, or missed; to be made aware that I am still important.  

Friday I had a lunch date with one of my few friends, and we had such a good time.  We talked about important things, and didn't waste our time frittering over the past, or silly things.  That is what I value in all of my closest friendships - my friends and I talk about important things, we want to change the world and not just talk about change.  That is something I don't have up here in Oklahoma.  Sure, you might say "why not move back to Dallas" but it isn't that simple.  Life never is. 

I am thankful for the few real friendships I still have, I am blessed and challenged by them.  I thank God for Allison, Elizabeth, Bekah, and Camille.  

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A man who has friends must himself be friendly,
But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

4 comments:

  1. <3 This post speaks from the heart. I know how you feel. I've had quite a few friends that we both promised to keep in touch, and now I'm not sure what they're doing now. And then there have been some that I completely lost contact with all of the sudden. It does hurt! Friendship is a special thing that's hard to let go to.
    Thank you, Abby, for your faithful friendship. It is something I will always treasure and a true blessing from God. May He always bless you and continue to strengthen your friendships. ♥
    Love ~ S. F.

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    1. Yes, this came from my heart and my journal - I hesitated at first, over whether I wanted to share something so personal, but I'm glad I did. Yes, it is a hard thing to let go of. I have had to do that a few times over the years, and each time I have been quite upset over just the thought of losing that special connection with x person.

      You are welcome. I'm so glad we are friends, and all because of this blog! It's neat how God works. Thank you for your sweet comments. <3

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    2. It is neat how God works! He truly does have an amazing plan for our lives.

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    3. Absolutely! There have been friendships formed, that were totally unexpected, but God knew what He was doing.

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Thank you for sharing!