August 11, 2012

This strange life

It's a Saturday afternoon, and I'm sitting here in my brother's room, on his computer, looking out the half covered window, enjoying the stillness of the room, the house, the trees, the view. 

Music softly plays in my ears.  I love music.  

And I'm thinking.

Life has become so strange for me.

Even before the move, things in my own life were falling apart.  My soul was riddled with pain, and my mind with doubt, fear and failure.

I take things personally and store them up inside, sub-consciously a lot of times.  I don't even realize what I am doing, until its taken place, set in stone.

Change is always something I find hard to adjust to.  I do like change, especially good change, but at the same time find it hard to break into a "new normal" -- this is both good and bad.

Right now I am really dealing with missing my soul-brother, Caleb.  We've been close since we were young.  Since he's only 2.5 years younger then me, and we think a lot the same, it is especially hard for me to adjust to his not living with the rest of the family at this point.  I get to see him Sundays, and whenever he can spare a few hours during his busy work-week.  It's not the same as having him here all the time.

But it's not just Caleb, or the move; it's not having a place to call "my home" -- we are living with my Grandma and that doesn't afford much privacy or time for our family to be a family. And, the fact that pretty much all of my habits have been broken up.  Plus, all of the years I spent in a different town, the familiarity of all that, the friends I left behind, being in a different place spiritually.

So many emotions are churning within me.  I cry a lot inside.  And I pray. 

It's at times like these that I ask myself hard questions such as:

--- Am I really that selfish as to think I deserve ________
--- Hopefully I can be happy in this situation because ________
--- God, why?
--- Do I have to give up everything?

Reminds me of a note I wrote a while back, that hangs on my white board as reminder of the true Joy I can find and have in Jesus:

Circumstantial happiness says: "I will be defined by this situation or outcome."  Letting everything / everyone steal my happiness.  Whereas Abiding Joy says: "I will rest in the finished work of Jesus Christ on the Cross."  I will let nothing steal my Joy!

There are so many things about this life I will never understand or accept. And I don't have to.

I choose Jesus, and because of that, life isn't as strange as it may seem on the surface.  He makes things simple and clear. Sometimes it just takes a little painful digging to remind myself of that.  


And the Lord will guide you continually
    and satisfy your desire in scorched places
    and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
    like a spring of water,
    whose waters do not fail.

Isaiah 58: 11

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Thank you for sharing!